Nursing my dad at home, took my whole time and I didn't
really realize Lars's life is slowly slipping away too. I was too sad to notice
his sadness. I guess somehow he felt he had to wait and let my father go first.
He knew I'll need him later.
Going through the
process of grieving after the loss of my dad and my dog, the flooded house and the baby I lost, all of that in the short periode of time, only a few
weeks apart, I noticed webzine »Pes moj prijatelj« (Dog, my friend) who was
inviting people to send them letters about the pets they lost. I
needed to let out my grief. People didn't understand, many around me didn't
experience any loss and never had to take care of a dying person at home. They didn't know how to behave either. Visiting someone in a hospital is much different. You only see the person during visiting hours, then you can go home and sleep
at night. Having person at home, means being there 24/7, no sleep, cleaning
vomiting while you're trying to eat your lunch, trying to breathe while the
whole house smells like bile... All I
really needed was a comforting hug, a shoulder to lean on and cry out, maybe some food but instead I was getting really rude and painfull comments from people I would least expect. It felt
like salt on an open wound. I needed to set some words free and explain to
people that grief is a part of our lives and
sooner or later they will go through
that themselves as well.
Healing takes time. It's a long process. And everyone has
the right to go through it in their own way. Distancing yourself from certain negative people and their comments doesn't mean being
anti-social. It means healing, in your own,
healthy way. Being sad is normal. And tears are ok. Don't hold them back.
A letter I wrote to the webzine
Pes moj prijatelj was published and you can read it here (written in Slovene). Below the photo you can read an English version.
"In memory: Lars
When I thought my world has fallen to
pieces, I found you. Only a few days passed since I said goodbye to our cat Mišo,
who was with us for the last 5 years, and a few weeks since I broke up with my
boyfriend. You shined light into my life like the brightest sun. I have chosen
this name for my first born, but you came sooner. When I heard there are 6
puppies in a litter, I came to watch you every day. You were the most alive,
the most protective towards your brothers and sisters and you got punished the
most by your mother. It was then I knew; I do not want anyone else beside me
but you, little savage. You were stubborn just the same as me. When only three
puppies remained in a litter and I saw how you took care of your sister so she
wasn’t cold, how you snuggled with her so it wouldn’t blow through the small
shed door, it was then when you stole my heart. I took you home and since then
we were inseparable. It was hard for you to accept my boyfriends, but when you
saw someone really meant a lot to me, you lessened. Every time someone was
yelling at me you stepped in front of me and started barking at them. You
defended me, as I you when needed.
When I went to university in Ljubljana,
then during the week my father took care of you. You were very attached to him
also. In the last years especially. He took very good care of you and you were
his first concern. For that I am grateful with all my heart. Two years before
my father became ill you started to act very unusual. Your playfulness diminished and you were very
obedient. No more playfulness, but only the will to please, you became more and
more watchful and you gave me a feeling like you wanted to tell me something. I
wrote about this also in my diary. You stopped near the veterinarian station
every time we took a walk and stared at it. It took a while before we could
continue, you didn’t want to move and I joked if you wanted to tell me
something, “Is someone sick?”.
That winter when you were poisoned… I
was really scared. We were up many nights, but it was not difficult to be awake
for you. I was too afraid to lose you. A sleepless week was behind us, but
things took a turn for the better and I was relieved! I do not know what I
would do if I had lost you, I was telling you all the time. When I was angry at
the whole world and no one was there to listen to me, you were always there and
have never complained. When I saw your eyes looking at me I couldn’t do anything
else but to hug you and repeat how much I love you. Next winter, shortly before
Christmas, I received a frightful call from my tear-stained father. We almost
lost Lars, he said with a heavy heart. He collapsed to the ground and stopped
breathing for a while. Father revived you with heart massage and you recovered.
I took you to examination and a
veterinarian confirmed a diagnose – a bad heart arrhythmia, like with my father.
I could not comprehend how they could not see this sooner at previous examinations.
The walks became shorter and slower. The heat and cold tired you, and the
attacks were reoccurring.
Me and my partner Jure, whom you grew to
love after all those years, so that I was sometimes even jealous you love him
more than me, we started to think more and more it is time for a baby. I looked
forward to those days, until some Thursday I received another call from my
father. I could hear in his voice this time it is something really serious.
Father was seriously ill and could not take care of you anymore, so I
immediately moved back home. For my body this was too much of a shock and for
some time I remained lying on the bed myself. Because the doctors were not able
to help me, I tried to help myself, but I could not have done it without you. I
looked forward to the walks even though I could barely walk myself. I believe
you could not understand why during this time when neither me nor my father
were able to, others were taking you on walks. Sometimes during walks I almost
forgot you were there, you were quiet as a mouse and you behaved good as almost
never before. When I cried you vanished for a second and suddenly appeared
between my legs, pushed forward, stopped, looked at me and then pressed your
head against my leg. My tears were gone and I could not do anything else but to
smile and hold you in my arms. Like you were trying to say, don’t cry, I’m
here! You kept doing this until I was in a better mood and smiling.
When father came home for the hospital,
because he could not be helped anymore, you wanted to be close. You were all
the time peeping into the room where he laid and waited he would come to say
hello. Despite the heat you did not want to lay in your kennel, you wanted to
be with us. The care for father took a lot of time and for you there was not as
much time left as before. You did not love me any less because of that. After
my father’s passing my mind strayed away and I cried during walks and you were
walking beside me, quiet as a mouse. I knew you were missing him. Eventually
you started to encourage me and tried to make me laugh. Suddenly you started to
stop eating. Then I started to encourage you and begged you to stay with me,
because I needed you. Almost a month had passed since my father died and you
were getting worse and worse. I prepared for some time, I knew at your age it
would soon come a time, when we would have to say goodbye. One evening you
could not take it anymore. That evening Jure came home. I knew this was the
last day we were together. You said goodbye to my mother before we drove to the
veterinarian late in the evening. This was the hardest decision I had to make
in my life, but it would be even harder to watch you suffer. Please do not
resent me. I did not want to leave you alone, I wanted to be there with you
when you will go to sleep. I was crying and did not want to let go of you. You
calmly went to sleep and said goodbye for the last time. I told you to go look
for father, say hello and look after him. That night, September 21st
2012 I went to father’s grave and a big shooting star appeared across the sky.
Like for the last time you wiggled your tale to say goodbye.
For 12 years my life revolved around
you, what was not to my family’s liking. Whenever I spoke about you with someone
I could not stop, my eyes were glowing. You were my sunshine! Whenever I felt
bad you remembered me I am not alone, you encouraged me and made me laugh. You
have taught me how to listen, love, to be patient and to open your heart to
others when you feel someone is truly worthy! I am grateful for these precious
moments! Because of them I am.
Rest in peace my heart…"
If there is anything you wish to say, or ask, please, feel
free to leave a comment.
My next post will be about pregnancy loss, loss of a child.
About the loss, the grief and the healing.
No comments:
Post a Comment