February's Carnival time!

This year I went to see the Carnival in a small town, the Peace messenger city, Slovenj Gradec. The parade started with the smallest ones, kindergarten groupes and ended with a groupe of Kurents. Here are some of my favourite costumes ;)

Chasing the light...

I've been wandering around these days when nature got such a beautiful white coat. Yes, we finally have gotten some snow! :) I'm always on the hunt for that beautiful purple light I once saw in my dreams. When red and blue meet... I often stop and stare for a while when my eye catches something pleasing. Nature paints us such a heart warming pictures...

The loss of a child... The grief... The healing...

Foto: Katjuša B., Snowdrop park Žale, Ljubljana

Raise your hand if you ever typed »I'm happy for you« to someone while crying...

This day has a special meaning to me and it encouraged me to start writing again. It's a day, my unborn child became an angel. I decided to blog about it, because I know how many of you, women, are out there, some even without any kind of support from people that should be there for you in those moments. You do deserve better, you know! It's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry and it's ok to distance yourself from people who are only pouring salt on your bleeding wound. Take time for yourself and spend time with people who make you feel good.

I remember those days like they were happening now… I was feeling very tired, but my partner had a concert in Škofja Loka and I wanted to go along as the band's photographer and his support. I needed some fun. It's only been a few weeks since my dad lost a painful battle with cancer, and since I lost my dog Lars, and the flooded house where my atelier and material in it was completely destroyed. The next thing I knew, 3 days later after the concert, I ended up in ER, 114km away from my home town. Why? Hospital in my home town wouldn't accept me, even though I said I'm pregnant and in pain, so bad, I cannot walk. I was told to come in 14 days, for my regular appointment. I couldn't wait that long, I was feeling very tired and weak. I was scared and I had no idea who to call and talk to, nor what's going on with my body.

This time pain wasn't as intense as a year ago. Back then, I felt like a water bubble bursting on my right side of the lower stomach, where the oviduct is, then feeling of a warm liquid moving in my body and sudden pain. After that, I couldn't move and I was screaming as hell inside, calling mom to help me. It was exactly the same kind of pain this time, but not near as strong as the first time. The first time, a doctor came home, to my house, because I couldn't move. He said it's just me being under stress, because my father got sick. My father got diagnosed cancer, which I didn't know then yet. I got an injection and was told my pain will pass, soon, I just have to lay in bed and take pain killers. Well it didn't pass that soon. I was taking painkillers and lying in bed, in pain for 3 months. I still believe if I was then taken to a hospital to undergo surgery, the baby I lost next year would be alive today.

One of my friends said that the pain is normal and I shouldn't be worried. But then I called a girl I knew from University, momma of 4 then. I thought, she has 4 kids, she will know better than others. If she wasn't insisting, I should go to ER, I honestly wouldn't go. I was too scared that doctors might tell me again I'm exaggerating, that my mind is just playing tricks on me and would send me an enormous bill. Girls and women, if you are pregnant and in pain, that is not normal, no matter what they say to you, go see a doctor! And if a doctor tells you everything is ok, without even looking at you or examine you propperly, consider finding new one and get a second opinion!

My partner took me to ER. We didn't have to wait long. Doctor who accepted me was very kind and I am grateful for her kindness. I had no idea what was going on, but I got really scared when she said to me a few times if I realize that I have been very lucky to come in time. I could die because of internal bleedings. She also told me few times they won't be able to save the baby. I had million thoughts in my mind and I was just nodding and trying to keep a kind smile on my face, but I didn't really understand. When doctor told nurse to prepare me, because I will stay in hospital and be operated, she kindly asked me if the man waiting outside is my partner and if she can call him inside, to be with me. While we were waiting for some more blood tests, I saw my partner was very worried. Even tho I was in so much pain and my whole body was shaking, seeing him nervouse, made me nervouse too, so I tried to keep the smile on my face and make him smile by telling some silly jokes.
That night was the longest one for me. When I was taken upstairs into one of the rooms, I felt alone and scared, no idea what went wrong. There should be snow outside, but instead, it was a heavy rain with thunder and lightning. Male nurse kept comming and checking on me, all night, if I am in pain, if I need more medicine. The next day I was transfered to another part of the hospital, I had no idea where I am, where nurses were around us all the time. I was so tired and sleepy, but with all the movement around, I kept telling myself I shouldn't fall asleep. Those nurses were really kind. Working in impossible contidions, yet with a warm attitude and a smile on their faces.

When in such sensitive situation, that is the most important thing to you. Isn't it? That was the last thing I have seen, before taken to surgery room and the first thing after waking up from narcosis. A smile.

I had a million of questions when I woke up, but I got no replies. All I got was a smile and a kind reply that my doctor will explain me everything. Still, most of my questions weren't answered.

Pregnancy had to be stopped for the sake of my life. That was it.

After few days lying in bed, making sure all the stitches heal nicely, the bleeding started. I had to keep incontinence lining in my bed, otherwise it would be blood all over. It felt and looked like all my inner organs were ripped apart and falling out in small pieces, along with the blood. I was experiencing mood changes, massive hair loss, heavy bleeding sometimes every 14 days, keeping the incontinence lining in my bed for nearly 3 years!!! Massive bleeding that was lasting for so long, made me exhausted and it even happened I lost consciousness.
My partner's mother was very kind to me for the whole time. When I came home from the hospital, I had to rest. She prepared nutritious meals for me, but easy on my stomach, for every day in a week, all I had to do was to pick a box what I would like to eat and reheat it. My partner was working late and most of the day I was home alone and unable to cook, so I am still very grateful for those lunch boxes.

I wasn't thinking about the loss first few weeks. My hormones were still running wild and first day after comming home from the hospital, I was lying in bed, with my laptop, holding drum sticks and practising drumming while watching drum tutorials on youtube. My passion is dancing, but since I wasn't able to dance, I was able to listen; music is my second passion. If you have any passions in your life, focus on that, it works! I couldn't stay in bed long, my partner had another concert and I wanted to take photos. Organizer was kind enough to provide a place where I could sit when needed, and because I still had stitches, I should rest. That was also my partner's last concert.

My healing time was very long. I was bleeding very much, for almost 3 years! First few months every 14 days for 7 or 8 days. I was using the most absorptive sanitary pads, changing it every hour! Besides the pain that was persisting, I was loosing a lot of blood, which made me feel very weak, pale, dizzy and unable to walk alone outside. My hormones were running wild for almost 3 years as well! My hair was growing like crazy, but at the same time massive hair loss. My hair was suddenly 1m long!

When I realized what has happened, all I needed was someone I could talk to. Someone who would understand. Someone I could lean my head on and cry my wounded soul out. Someone who would just be silent and hug me, to show me, that I am not alone. I was craving for hugs... Instead, people were sending me photos of their newborns, waiting me to congratulate them. When I logged on to Facebook, timelines were flooded with baby photos. I was getting comments like: »you didn’t even see the baby!«, »You know, I got an abortion, because I wasn’t readdy for the baby«, »why are you so sad / angry?«, »call me if you need anything«, »be happy you lost your child, what if the child was disabled«, »Oh, I have even bigger problems«, »Kids are pain in the ass, you’ll be better off, you’ll see«, »look, here’s my sister’s baby, isn’t she cute?«,… All that salt on open wound was painful. And because I love myself enough, I decided to distance myself from all those people and find the ones who knew how it feels, who were kind enough.

I was astonished when I realized how many people are actually unable to express the condolences. They rather avoid you or talk about their problems instead of saying »I am so sorry for your loss.« But on the other hand, they publicly express their sadness and sorrow on social networks when a famous person, they never even touched or talked with dies. I was astonished, how some people started playing scared, helpless victims, panicking what if they get pregnant and all of this happens to them... This was just beyond my understanding of twisted drawing an attention on themselves and I needed to distance myself from them as well.

Some of the women doesn't want to talk about what happened to them, they rather keep it a secret and pretend everything is perfectly fine. I want to speak out, openly, not to feel sorry to anyone, but because I had no idea that things can go so wrong and can happen to me... to you. I had no idea how should I feel or what should I do. Or even who to ask for advice! Some things are still a tabu, but they shouldn't be! In a situation like that, noone should be left alone.
While browsing the internet, I also came across the article, where Mayte Garcia speaks out about her loss. I was feeling her words so strong, as they were mine. She was right… »Every day is a struggle even to breathe. I believe a child dying between a couple either makes you stronger or it doesn’t. For me, it was very, very hard to move forward and for us as a couple I think it probably broke us.« I was thinking about that every day. Things between couple change after a loss. Every day is a struggle. It is so hard to look at partners eyes without a touch of blame. But when I saw my partner, how devastated he was after the drummer and the bassist left the band, I wanted to do something. I tried to focus on music as much as I could and encourage him to continue with only a singer, finish the album and find a record company who would release the album. Seeing the final result, made me so proud of him!

If those words and feelings I have »poured out« in this blog help at least one girl or women to go through the process of loss, grief and healing, then it was worth it.

Girls and women who know exactly what I am talking about, you know, you have the right to mourn. For myself, I wish I could have done it differently and with more support of the family. It's appropriate for your family and friends to express their condolences to you. It doesn't matter when the pregnancy ended, it does affect the mother strongly either way. Misscariages are different. Some are done just with a pill, some need an operation, some women’s birth organs can be dammaged and need to be taken – they can not be pregnant and give birth ever again. And not every loss is the same. People have different reactions and feelings after the death of their child and may grieve in different ways. You should also know that grief may come and go in waves throughout the whole life. When I was browsing through pages of angel mommies, I've read this sentence... »It's easy for you to say that »God needed another angel, since God didn't ask you for yours.« If the first question you get from someone is »When did this happen, how old the child was, etc., you don't need to answer. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. It doesn't matter when it happened, every loss is painfull, especially if you still have no kids. You are not a subject. And you are definitely not just a number in statistics as someone close to me said to my face soon after the loss. You are a person, a woman with feelings, with a broken heart that needs to be healed. And if a tear comes out of your eye, even years later, that's ok. It's normal.

Be kind to others. You never know what battles they fight. And remember… »We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.« Ernest Hemngway

I miss you my little angel. I would do anythining I could hold you in my arms and see you grow up...

Foto: Katjuša B., Snowdrop park Žale, Ljubljana; "Farewell little angel"

The loss... The grief... The healing...

If you had a dog, then you know how it felt when you had to say goodbye from that little soul that loved you unconditionally, no matter what... Just a few weeks after my father lost a long and very painfull battle with cancer, I had to say goodbye to that little ball of fur as well. My best friend, my battery, my connection to this world. My Lars.

Nursing my dad at home, took my whole time and I didn't really realize Lars's life is slowly slipping away too. I was too sad to notice his sadness. I guess somehow he felt he had to wait and let my father go first. He knew I'll need him later.

Going through the process of grieving after the loss of my dad and my dog, the flooded house and the baby I lost, all of that in the short periode of time, only a few weeks apart, I noticed webzine »Pes moj prijatelj« (Dog, my friend) who was inviting people to send them letters about the pets they lost. I needed to let out my grief. People didn't understand, many around me didn't experience any loss and never had to take care of a dying person at home. They didn't know how to behave either. Visiting someone in a hospital is much different. You only see the person during visiting hours, then you can go home and sleep at night. Having person at home, means being there 24/7, no sleep, cleaning vomiting while you're trying to eat your lunch, trying to breathe while the whole house smells like bile... All I really needed was a comforting hug, a shoulder to lean on and cry out, maybe some food but instead I was getting really rude and painfull comments from people I would least expect. It felt like salt on an open wound. I needed to set some words free and explain to people that grief is a part of our lives and sooner or later they will go through that themselves as well.

Healing takes time. It's a long process. And everyone has the right to go through it in their own way. Distancing yourself from certain negative people and their comments doesn't mean being anti-social. It means healing, in your own, healthy way. Being sad is normal. And tears are ok. Don't hold them back.

A letter I wrote to the webzine Pes moj prijatelj was published and you can read it here (written in Slovene). Below the photo you can read an English version.

"In memory: Lars

When I thought my world has fallen to pieces, I found you. Only a few days passed since I said goodbye to our cat Mišo, who was with us for the last 5 years, and a few weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend. You shined light into my life like the brightest sun. I have chosen this name for my first born, but you came sooner. When I heard there are 6 puppies in a litter, I came to watch you every day. You were the most alive, the most protective towards your brothers and sisters and you got punished the most by your mother. It was then I knew; I do not want anyone else beside me but you, little savage. You were stubborn just the same as me. When only three puppies remained in a litter and I saw how you took care of your sister so she wasn’t cold, how you snuggled with her so it wouldn’t blow through the small shed door, it was then when you stole my heart. I took you home and since then we were inseparable. It was hard for you to accept my boyfriends, but when you saw someone really meant a lot to me, you lessened. Every time someone was yelling at me you stepped in front of me and started barking at them. You defended me, as I you when needed.

When I went to university in Ljubljana, then during the week my father took care of you. You were very attached to him also. In the last years especially. He took very good care of you and you were his first concern. For that I am grateful with all my heart. Two years before my father became ill you started to act very unusual. Your playfulness diminished  and you were very obedient. No more playfulness, but only the will to please, you became more and more watchful and you gave me a feeling like you wanted to tell me something. I wrote about this also in my diary. You stopped near the veterinarian station every time we took a walk and stared at it. It took a while before we could continue, you didn’t want to move and I joked if you wanted to tell me something, “Is someone sick?”.

That winter when you were poisoned… I was really scared. We were up many nights, but it was not difficult to be awake for you. I was too afraid to lose you. A sleepless week was behind us, but things took a turn for the better and I was relieved! I do not know what I would do if I had lost you, I was telling you all the time. When I was angry at the whole world and no one was there to listen to me, you were always there and have never complained. When I saw your eyes looking at me I couldn’t do anything else but to hug you and repeat how much I love you. Next winter, shortly before Christmas, I received a frightful call from my tear-stained father. We almost lost Lars, he said with a heavy heart. He collapsed to the ground and stopped breathing for a while. Father revived you with heart massage and you recovered.

I took you to examination and a veterinarian confirmed a diagnose – a bad heart arrhythmia, like with my father. I could not comprehend how they could not see this sooner at previous examinations. The walks became shorter and slower. The heat and cold tired you, and the attacks were reoccurring.

Me and my partner Jure, whom you grew to love after all those years, so that I was sometimes even jealous you love him more than me, we started to think more and more it is time for a baby. I looked forward to those days, until some Thursday I received another call from my father. I could hear in his voice this time it is something really serious. Father was seriously ill and could not take care of you anymore, so I immediately moved back home. For my body this was too much of a shock and for some time I remained lying on the bed myself. Because the doctors were not able to help me, I tried to help myself, but I could not have done it without you. I looked forward to the walks even though I could barely walk myself. I believe you could not understand why during this time when neither me nor my father were able to, others were taking you on walks. Sometimes during walks I almost forgot you were there, you were quiet as a mouse and you behaved good as almost never before. When I cried you vanished for a second and suddenly appeared between my legs, pushed forward, stopped, looked at me and then pressed your head against my leg. My tears were gone and I could not do anything else but to smile and hold you in my arms. Like you were trying to say, don’t cry, I’m here! You kept doing this until I was in a better mood and smiling.

When father came home for the hospital, because he could not be helped anymore, you wanted to be close. You were all the time peeping into the room where he laid and waited he would come to say hello. Despite the heat you did not want to lay in your kennel, you wanted to be with us. The care for father took a lot of time and for you there was not as much time left as before. You did not love me any less because of that. After my father’s passing my mind strayed away and I cried during walks and you were walking beside me, quiet as a mouse. I knew you were missing him. Eventually you started to encourage me and tried to make me laugh. Suddenly you started to stop eating. Then I started to encourage you and begged you to stay with me, because I needed you. Almost a month had passed since my father died and you were getting worse and worse. I prepared for some time, I knew at your age it would soon come a time, when we would have to say goodbye. One evening you could not take it anymore. That evening Jure came home. I knew this was the last day we were together. You said goodbye to my mother before we drove to the veterinarian late in the evening. This was the hardest decision I had to make in my life, but it would be even harder to watch you suffer. Please do not resent me. I did not want to leave you alone, I wanted to be there with you when you will go to sleep. I was crying and did not want to let go of you. You calmly went to sleep and said goodbye for the last time. I told you to go look for father, say hello and look after him. That night, September 21^st 2012 I went to father’s grave and a big shooting star appeared across the sky. Like for the last time you wiggled your tale to say goodbye.

For 12 years my life revolved around you, what was not to my family’s liking. Whenever I spoke about you with someone I could not stop, my eyes were glowing. You were my sunshine! Whenever I felt bad you remembered me I am not alone, you encouraged me and made me laugh. You have taught me how to listen, love, to be patient and to open your heart to others when you feel someone is truly worthy! I am grateful for these precious moments! Because of them I am.

Rest in peace my heart…"

If there is anything you wish to say, or ask, please, feel free to leave a comment.

My next post will be about pregnancy loss, loss of a child. About the loss, the grief and the healing.