I remember those days like they were happening now… I was feeling very tired, but my partner had a concert in Škofja Loka and I wanted to go along as the band's photographer and his support. I needed some fun. It's only been a few weeks since my dad lost a painful battle with cancer, and since I lost my dog Lars, and the flooded house where my atelier and material in it was completely destroyed. The next thing I knew, 3 days later after the concert, I ended up in ER, 114km away from my home town. Why? Hospital in my home town wouldn't accept me, even though I said I'm pregnant and in pain, so bad, I cannot walk. I was told to come in 14 days, for my regular appointment. I couldn't wait that long, I was feeling very tired and weak. I was scared and I had no idea who to call and talk to, nor what's going on with my body.
This time pain wasn't as intense as a year ago. Back then, I felt like a water bubble bursting on my right side of the lower stomach, where the oviduct is, then feeling of a warm liquid moving in my body and sudden pain. After that, I couldn't move and I was screaming as hell inside, calling mom to help me. It was exactly the same kind of pain this time, but not near as strong as the first time. The first time, a doctor came home, to my house, because I couldn't move. He said it's just me being under stress, because my father got sick. My father got diagnosed cancer, which I didn't know then yet. I got an injection and was told my pain will pass, soon, I just have to lay in bed and take pain killers. Well it didn't pass that soon. I was taking painkillers and lying in bed, in pain for 3 months. I still believe if I was then taken to a hospital to undergo surgery, the baby I lost next year would be alive today.
One of my friends said that the pain is normal and I shouldn't be worried. But then I called a girl I knew from University, momma of 4 then. I thought, she has 4 kids, she will know better than others. If she wasn't insisting, I should go to ER, I honestly wouldn't go. I was too scared that doctors might tell me again I'm exaggerating, that my mind is just playing tricks on me and would send me an enormous bill. Girls and women, if you are pregnant and in pain, that is not normal, no matter what they say to you, go see a doctor! And if a doctor tells you everything is ok, without even looking at you or examine you propperly, consider finding new one and get a second opinion!
My partner took me to ER. We didn't have to wait long. Doctor who accepted me was very kind and I am grateful for her kindness. I had no idea what was going on, but I got really scared when she said to me a few times if I realize that I have been very lucky to come in time. I could die because of internal bleedings. She also told me few times they won't be able to save the baby. I had million thoughts in my mind and I was just nodding and trying to keep a kind smile on my face, but I didn't really understand. When doctor told nurse to prepare me, because I will stay in hospital and be operated, she kindly asked me if the man waiting outside is my partner and if she can call him inside, to be with me. While we were waiting for some more blood tests, I saw my partner was very worried. Even tho I was in so much pain and my whole body was shaking, seeing him nervouse, made me nervouse too, so I tried to keep the smile on my face and make him smile by telling some silly jokes.
That night was the longest one for me. When I was taken upstairs into one of the rooms, I felt alone and scared, no idea what went wrong. There should be snow outside, but instead, it was a heavy rain with thunder and lightning. Male nurse kept comming and checking on me, all night, if I am in pain, if I need more medicine. The next day I was transfered to another part of the hospital, I had no idea where I am, where nurses were around us all the time. I was so tired and sleepy, but with all the movement around, I kept telling myself I shouldn't fall asleep. Those nurses were really kind. Working in impossible contidions, yet with a warm attitude and a smile on their faces.
When in such sensitive situation, that is the most important thing to you. Isn't it? That was the last thing I have seen, before taken to surgery room and the first thing after waking up from narcosis. A smile.
I had a million of questions when I woke up, but I got no replies. All I got was a smile and a kind reply that my doctor will explain me everything. Still, most of my questions weren't answered.
Pregnancy had to be stopped for the sake of my life. That was it.
After few days lying in bed, making sure all the stitches heal nicely, the bleeding started. I had to keep incontinence lining in my bed, otherwise it would be blood all over. It felt and looked like all my inner organs were ripped apart and falling out in small pieces, along with the blood. I was experiencing mood changes, massive hair loss, heavy bleeding sometimes every 14 days, keeping the incontinence lining in my bed for nearly 3 years!!! Massive bleeding that was lasting for so long, made me exhausted and it even happened I lost consciousness.
My partner's mother was very kind to me for the whole time. When I came home from the hospital, I had to rest. She prepared nutritious meals for me, but easy on my stomach, for every day in a week, all I had to do was to pick a box what I would like to eat and reheat it. My partner was working late and most of the day I was home alone and unable to cook, so I am still very grateful for those lunch boxes.
I wasn't thinking about the loss first few weeks. My hormones were still running wild and first day after comming home from the hospital, I was lying in bed, with my laptop, holding drum sticks and practising drumming while watching drum tutorials on youtube. My passion is dancing, but since I wasn't able to dance, I was able to listen; music is my second passion. If you have any passions in your life, focus on that, it works! I couldn't stay in bed long, my partner had another
concert and I wanted to take photos. Organizer was kind enough to provide a place where I could sit when needed, and because I still had stitches, I should rest. That was also my partner's last concert.
My healing time was very long. I was bleeding very much, for almost 3 years! First few months every 14 days for 7 or 8 days. I was using the most absorptive sanitary pads, changing it every hour! Besides the pain that was persisting, I was loosing a lot of blood, which made me feel very weak, pale, dizzy and unable to walk alone outside. My hormones were running wild for almost 3 years as well! My hair was growing like crazy, but at the same time massive hair loss. My hair was suddenly 1m long!
When I realized what has happened, all I needed was someone I could talk to. Someone who would understand. Someone I could lean my head on and cry my wounded soul out. Someone who would just be silent and hug me, to show me, that I am not alone. I was craving for hugs... Instead, people were sending me photos of their newborns, waiting me to congratulate them. When I logged on to Facebook, timelines were flooded with baby photos. I was getting comments like: »you didn’t even see the baby!«, »You know, I got an abortion, because I wasn’t readdy for the baby«, »why are you so sad / angry?«, »call me if you need anything«, »be happy you lost your child, what if the child was disabled«, »Oh, I have even bigger problems«, »Kids are pain in the ass, you’ll be better off, you’ll see«, »look, here’s my sister’s baby, isn’t she cute?«,… All that salt on open wound was painful. And because I love myself enough, I decided to distance myself from all those people and find the ones who knew how it feels, who were kind enough.
I was astonished when I realized how many people are actually unable to express the condolences. They rather avoid you or talk about their problems instead of saying »I am so sorry for your loss.« But on the other hand, they publicly express their sadness and sorrow on social networks when a famous person, they never even touched or talked with dies. I was astonished, how some people started playing scared, helpless victims, panicking what if they get pregnant and all of this happens to them... This was just beyond my understanding of twisted drawing an attention on themselves and I needed to distance myself from them as well.
Some of the women doesn't want to talk about what happened to them, they rather keep it a secret and pretend everything is perfectly fine. I want to speak out, openly, not to feel sorry to anyone, but because I had no idea that things can go so wrong and can happen to me... to you. I had no idea how should I feel or what should I do. Or even who to ask for advice! Some things are still a tabu, but they shouldn't be! In a situation like that, noone should be left alone.
While browsing the internet, I also came across
the article, where Mayte Garcia speaks out about her loss. I was feeling her words so strong, as they were mine. She was right… »Every day is a struggle even to breathe. I believe a child dying between a couple either makes you stronger or it doesn’t. For me, it was very, very hard to move forward and for us as a couple I think it probably broke us.« I was thinking about that every day. Things between couple change after a loss. Every day is a struggle. It is so hard to look at partners eyes without a touch of blame. But when I saw my partner, how devastated he was after the drummer and the bassist left the band, I wanted to do something. I tried to focus on music as much as I could and encourage him to continue with only a singer, finish the album and find a record company who would release the album. Seeing the final result, made me so proud of him!
If those words and feelings I have »poured out« in this blog help at least one girl or women to go through the process of loss, grief and healing, then it was worth it.
Girls and women who know exactly what I am talking about, you know, you have the right to mourn. For myself, I wish I could have done it differently and with more support of the family. It's appropriate for your family and friends to express their condolences to you. It doesn't matter when the pregnancy ended, it does affect the mother strongly either way. Misscariages are different. Some are done just with a pill, some need an operation, some women’s birth organs can be dammaged and need to be taken – they can not be pregnant and give birth ever again. And not every loss is the same. People have different reactions and feelings after the death of their child and may grieve in different ways. You should also know that grief may come and go in waves throughout the whole life. When I was browsing through pages of angel mommies, I've read this sentence... »It's easy for you to say that »God needed another angel, since God didn't ask you for yours.« If the first question you get from someone is »When did this happen, how old the child was, etc., you don't need to answer.
It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. It doesn't matter when it happened, every loss is painfull, especially if you still have no kids. You are not a subject. And you are definitely not just a number in statistics as someone close to me said to my face soon after the loss. You are a person, a woman with feelings, with a broken heart that needs to be healed. And if a tear comes out of your eye, even years later, that's ok. It's normal.
